He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
