if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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