literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
