Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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