hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
