It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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