"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
