I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
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There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
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Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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