My nipple is on Facebook.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
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But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
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We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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