The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Randomize
