Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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