Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
