i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
