Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
