This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
