If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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