I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
