and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
