I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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