I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
