I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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