you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
