Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
