After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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