Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
