Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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