Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
