Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
did i just pee glitter
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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