Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
