Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
