I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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