i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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