one might say we're banned from that church
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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