Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Everclear isn't food dammit
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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