Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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