paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
