I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm having to shit out rocks
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