thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
