sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
