can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
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It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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