glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
