I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
