Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
