I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
