What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
