He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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