I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
