I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
