grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
