I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
