Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
