From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
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Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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